Humorous Sayings

Humorous quotes and sayings are my favorites. How many of you have stood in the card store and giggled at the amusing sayings. This is my favorite collection and I love getting a chance to use them.

Humorous Sayings...

If you can't afford a Doctor, go to the airport- you'll get a free xray and a breat exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you'll get a free colonoscopy.

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"

If everything is coming your way you're in the wrong lane!

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering. Sri H. W. L. Poonja

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Watterson

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you'll be right.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Oprah Winfrey

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

He who laughs, lasts. Mary P. Poole

Seven days without laughter make one weak. Joel Goodman

Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

It's all right to have a train for thought if you have a terminal. --Richard R. Bowker

It’s a good thing wrinkles don’t hurt.

Your friendship is the most uplifting Thing in my life without underwire!

The best thing about having my own business, Is that I get to choose which 20 hours of a day I want to work.

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This card handcrafted by Mary Lynn.

Have fun browsing through these humorous sayings for your cards. Hopefully you will find the perfect idea.

If you have your own favorite humorous saying and would like to share it, or possibly a story you would like to add please continue to our contributor page

Mary Lynn

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More Humorous Sayings:

Be careful of reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I am in my own little world but it's okay they know me here.

I found a great way to attract money... work! Curtis D. Tucker

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Steven Wright

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

I guess I don't so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old. - Peter Gabriel

I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.

Phoenix night time skys... (inside)You see more airplanes than stars. Dale Kingry

Housework is something you do that noboby misses...until you don't do it.

Remember...Nothing would get done if a person waited until she could do it so well that no one could find fault with it!

I used to be Snow White but then I drifted

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office.

If you obey all the rules...you miss all the fun

I spent most of my money on scrapbooking and eating out...the rest I wasted

We may be "over the hill" but we're not too old to party. We may just have a little trouble "finding" the party!

As long as there are test there will always be prayer in public school -funny short saying

There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded

If all is not lost where is it? -funny saying

I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few!

Kids in the back seat cause accidents...Accidents in the back seat cause kids

All reports are in...Life is officially unfair

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something & then wonder what I'm here after.

All my life I wanted to be someone...I guess I should have been more specific!

More Humorous Sayings:

The covers of this book are too far apart!

I went to the General Store, they would'nt let me buy anything specific.

My ambition is to live forever...so far so good!

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

When a cow laughs does milk come out it's nose?

Bald guys never have a bad hairday (use with bald guy stamp)

My idea of housework is to sweep every room with a glance.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, You'll have trouble putting on your pants.

What happens if you get Scared to Death twice?

If you're smoking in this house you better be on fire

He who laughs last, thinks the slowest

We are the people our parents warned us about!

A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands.

Born Free, now I'm Expensive

Laugh & the world laughs with you...Cry & the world laughs louder

Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Eat, Drink, and be Merry for tommorow they may cancel your VISA

Food has replaced sex in my life...Now I can't even get into my pants

I only have a Kitchen because it come with the house.

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Every effort has been made to give proper credit to the author of each of the humorous sayings and quotes on this site. If there has been any oversight on my behalf please contact me and I will remove the quotation or give the proper acknowledgment.